Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
