The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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