allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
