Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
