before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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