Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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