did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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