when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
