Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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