Umm I'm too high to move.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
