I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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