The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Another day, another engagement, another cat
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Loading more great texts...