dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
organizing the empties. That sober.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
