I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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