when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
