I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This gyro tastes like lonliness
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i've created a new STD.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
