it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
