I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Holy shit dude........stairs
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
