so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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