you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
