I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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