i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
