Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
