Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
