No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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