Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
