There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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