If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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