I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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