I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
