Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
