i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
