is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
