If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
did i just pee glitter
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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