We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
