I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
