the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
