checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
