No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
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