Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize