in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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