Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
