so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize