no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
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I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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