Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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