I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Oh god it's open bar.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
