I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You left your phone here
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