I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
