fuck your aforementioned shoe
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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