These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
