we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
