Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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