i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
