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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I want to fling myself into the sun
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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