i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
