wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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