I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.