My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
