just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
