She's like a pop up book from hell.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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