So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
