I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
