I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
