I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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