So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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