I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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