I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
