Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
