I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
