I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
